The Man versus The Planning Inspector

Trying to live a quiet life on the cheap

Act 1: The Campervan

Planning Inspector: Good afternoon, Sir, we’ve discovered you’ve been living in this vehicle on a public road which is against our highway regulations – if you continue to do so you will be fined.

Man: Why? I pay road tax on this campervan and I am taking up no more space than a person with two of their cars parked on the road.

Planning Inspector: That is irrelevant. It is a breach of health and safety for humans to sleep on the roadside.

Man: Yet it is not illegal for someone to have a house on a far busier road with a greater risk to their safety, and, what if I am happy with the risk?

Planning Inspector: They’ve got planning permission, while you haven’t.

Man: Wait, I thought the health and safety concern was the basis for you dictating whether I can live in the campervan or not, but, when I put this reasoning against the homeowner, you argue they’ve got planning permission as though that has an independent basis to it. What is that then?

Planning Inspector: Look, it’s a public road owned by the public and you’re not allowed on it as a result, except under our terms. Anyway, I’ve got a home extension to oppose. Stop sleeping in the campervan or we will find out and we will fine you.

Act 2: The Caravan on Private Land

Planning Inspector: Good afternoon, Sir, we’ve heard reports from neighbours that you have been occupying this caravan for more than 60 days. I’ve confirmed this myself too. I must ask you to stop living in the caravan.

Man: Oh don’t worry, I’ve bought the land on which this caravan is stood.

Planning Inspector: We are aware of that, we checked with the Land Registry. You are still not allowed on it though.

Man: Why not, you objected to me being on a public road last time; now I’m on private land it should be fine, shouldn’t it?

Nosy Resident: We don’t want any bloody gypsies around here! We want to live in a decent area; not a place full of crappy caravans!

Man: I’m not a gypsy; I repeat, I’m a landowner.   

Planning Inspector: Irrespective, you are not allowed to live in a caravan even on your own land; and it does spoil the character of the local area too.

Act 3: The House on Private Land

Planning Inspector: Sir, this is the third time I’ve had to come around to see you!

Man: It’s fine, this house I’m building is on my own private land and in exactly the same Georgian character as the local area. I’m sure there can be no objection now.

Planning Inspector: No objection! No objection! This is an egregious breach of planning rules, you can’t just build something on your own land willy nilly. You need the consent of the community for such a big change in the local area.

Man: How is one more house a big change, and, I repeat, there is no impact on the local character of the area.

Planning Inspector: You need the consent of the community to alter its environment. Knock this half construction down or we will knock it down for you and give you the bill for it

Act 4: The Underground House in Private Land

Planning Inspector: You’re in big trouble. Why can’t you get it into your head that you can’t just do whatever you want, we live in a society and you’ve got to play by the rules! No one is above the law.

Man: Right, I’ve had it up to here now. I’ve built this underground house which no one can see at all, so, I’m not affecting the environment of the local community, I’m not endangering my own safety because it’s been reinforced with steel, and, I’m on my own land too. What possible reason can you give as to why I can’t live in this house.

Planning Inspector: Well, you’ll still put a strain on local infrastructure.

Man: Two things. People moving their elderly parents into an area do too, but you don’t stop that.

Planning Inspector: That’s different, they’ve go planning permission.

Man. Damn it, the basis for the planning permission which you’re denying me is it is there to stop an undue strain on infrastructure, thus, people moving in their elderly parents are violating the basis for planning permission as much as I allegedly am. You can ban both of us, or, neither, as you’ve offered no independent reason for planning permission which only restricts my freedom.

Planning Inspector: But…

Man: Besides, I’ve already paid council tax and hardly use any council services anyway, I mean, it’s not as if I’ve been putting my bins out. And if I moved into an empty home in the area, I’d definitely put a greater strain on infrastructure as well. So, I’m actually a net benefit to the local area.

Planning Inspector: I don’t care what argument’s you’ve got; we’re the council and we decide what goes on in this area, whether that’s on your land or not.

Man: Sounds like the Soviet Union if you ask me.

Planning Inspector: Now you’re going to fill in this underground house, or, again, we’re going to fill it in for you and give you the bill.

Man: And if I refuse?!

Planning Inspector: Then we will fine you, then, fine you again, then, fine you again. And if you keep refusing to pay, or, you oppose our workman who will fill it in by force, we will ultimately put you in jail. So do as we say!